Random thought

October 12, 2006

I just suddenly got this urge to write something but I am not sure what to write about exactly. It’s a weird feeling that I get some times, usually once every few months.

Listening to the radio, I let my mind wander. I’m suppose to be working on my school work but I have been distracted ever since I started.

To be honest, I think I know why I’m distracted. I have been feeling “guilty” for a while. I am guilty for not praying to God. I’m not the most religious person and I’m not a church-goer but I do believe in God. I prayed for a soulmate for the longest time and God answered that prayer. Ever since then, I have been praying almost everynight, thanking Him for answering my prayers. That was then.

I have not been praying for a couple months. Somehow I have strayed. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t believe in God. It’s just that I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not praying. I feel guilty for the snotty things I said to God in a rage of fury one night not too long ago.

I said to God: “You don’t listen to me. You don’t care. Why didn’t you help me? What’s the point of me praying to you if you don’t answer? I don’t think you exist”

After that, I stopped praying. I had the attitude of “I don’t need you”. For the past couple months, I didn’t have my “alone time” with God before falling asleep. Slowly, I wanted to start praying and apologize to God. I tried to but I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because the guilt kept me, well…feeling guilty. I tried praying again, but I stopped myself before I even start because in the back of my head I think to myself “Why would God still want to listen to me after all that I said, after all that I thought of Him?”

I can’t just go “Hey God, I’m sorry for what I said. This is what I need you to do for me etc”. You get the drift, right? At first I thought this was just a phase for me and that eventually this guilt feeling will disappear and I will once again start praying and thanking God for all the things He has given me.

It’s not that I think God won’t forgive. I’m sure He will. It’s not that I think God will hold a grudge on me. I’m sure He won’t. At the same time, I can’t just expect to be forgiven. I can’t just expect to be accepted for my flaws. I don’t have that big of an ego. This is more of a personal “crisis” of guilt in my head, if not, my heart.

So what can a girl do? Not much, I suppose. I guess the only thing that can be done is to forgive myself. It’s easier said than done though. I am my worst enemy.

Well I should get some sleep, I have plans tomorrow as well as a tea meet with my professor. Goodnight~

  1. 3 Responses to “Random thought”

  2. We are human. This should say it all, but there is more, and it hurts too much to say.

    By Thought on Friday, Oct 13, 2006

  3. I just started my blog at godwhata thought

    By Thought on Friday, Oct 13, 2006

  4. thought, I appreciate your comment. I agree that we are imperfect beings.

    By Shin on Friday, Oct 13, 2006

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