Archive for 2011

Year ender

December 24, 2011

So Christmas is tomorrow and we’re a a week away from 2012.

To be completely honest, I can’t wait for 2011 to be over. Other than Rob being here for the first couple months of 2011, this year has been a drag. I guess you can’t always expect things to be perfect. I digress…

Anyway my absence from the “blogging world” can be best explained by any or all of the following reasons:

  1. Work takes up most of my time, even when I’m not at work I’m at home thinking what I need to do at work the next day so blogging about it is just boring.
  2. Emotions have been running high since Rob left so instead of posting sappy mushy or unhappy sad posts, I just try to sort things on my own. Besides, there are things I rather not share with the world.
  3. When I go in to my WordPress thinking I should write a post here and there, I have nothing interesting better to say other than “Work sucks”, “People at work drive me insane”, “It’s pissing cats and dogs outside”, “Got a new phone”, “Got an office” etc. You get my drift.
  4. I don’t take as many photos as I used to so my blog posts will be boring without visual aid. (Maybe a new camera would get me motivated  :P)
  5. Even if I do take pictures, I’m just so lazy to upload them on Photobucket (which I don’t know if my account is still alive because it’s been inactive for SO long) and then attach the html codes here (which I think there should be an easier way to do that now but I’m just too lazy to find out).
  6. When I do come up with some lame post, I somehow (and this has happened more than once) accidently click a button and lose my post. No, I don’t know how it happened.

Anyhooooooo, even though I’m not blogging as much I still do read some blogs once in  while. Most of my free time is spent on Facebook so close friends and family know what I’m up to these days. I also still tweet but it’s just very random things.

I’m on leave until after the new year. I get 25 vacation days a year and to show you how work has taken a lot of my time, I have 18 days left.

I celebrated the last year in my 20s last month and I intend to have a good year ahead so here’s to a fantastic 2012!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

 

Got an office

August 20, 2011

Dear blog,

I can now officially say that now I have an office, not all to myself but I’m sharing it with someone. I suppose it’s not so bad sharing because then I won’t feel so lonely.

Been sprucing up the room this past week. Let’s just say the initial condition on the office was BLECH but I think it looks so much better now.

Will post up pictures soon.

Me.

Broken

August 9, 2011

It’s funny…

I think I’m a vocal person. Words tend to just fly out of my mouth.

Yet when I’m quiet, people around me know something is wrong.

I lost count of the number of people who asked me if I was ok.

I lost count of the number of people who told me to sleep more.

I lost count of the number of people who said I look stressed.

I lost count of the number of people who asked why I looked so sad.

It’s funny…

After so long (that’s subjective) of feeling whole,

I feel like I’m broken again…

 

 

Into pieces that I don’t think I can put back.

Judgement day

August 7, 2011

When I die and I’m at the mercy of God as to where He should send me – Heaven or Hell – I hope He knows that…

Regardless of all the nasty things I say, 99% of the time I do not mean it.
The remaining 1%, as bad as it sounds, I do mean it with all my heart.

Regardless of how impatient I am at times, there are just as many times when I’ve been patient than I ever thought I could.

Regardless of how high my expectations may be, all I want is simple.
I just want to love and be loved.

Regardless of how strong and stubborn I may seem, deep down I’m just a girl.
A girl who just wants to be good enough.

Regardless of how judgemental I am of others, I am my own worst enemy.
I put myself down more than I ever have on other people.

Regardless of how cheerful or happy I seem, inside I’m hurting.
Sometimes the pain is so unbearable, I rather find other pain that I can tolerate.

I don’t know whether I deserve to go to heaven or doomed to go to hell.

I just know that right now, I feel like I’m in hell.

Mental suicide

July 27, 2011

I just returned from a work trip on Sunday and I’m still feeling tired.

I think the fatigue is mainly due to emotional drain, today especially.

On top of what has been going on, work today really stressed me out.

I suddenly felt overwhelmed with my workload and the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. The emotions going through me were so intense that I felt sick to my stomach and my back was throbbing.

Even right now my back is still sore and stomach uncomfortable. Could it be something I ate? Maybe it was. I’ll never know.

All I know is I managed to figure out that I cared too much about my work and I take things personally.

Why should I care about something if it’s not worth worrying over?
Why should I try so hard to help someone if they don’t want to even help themselves?

Now I just need to figure out how NOT to care so much.

So while I figure this all out in my head, let’s just say I’m in a state of “mental suicide”.

Red

July 18, 2011

It’s very rare that a song will make me shed tears.

This one in particular hit the tear duds nerve going into the first minute of the song.

 

This song really reminds me of someone;

 

That someone is…

 

 

 

 

Me.

I think I am just feeling sorry for myself. Head will explode soon from all the things going through my mind. And the weather is not helping either.

I digress…

Basically there is a crisis going on in my head.

So what’s a girl to do?

The damsel-in-distress in me is telling me to curl up in a fetal position and cry it out and maybe, JUST maybe things will get better.

The strong-headed-tough-bitch in me is telling me to buck up and face reality. Nothing is going to be solved by doing nothing. I have to fight for what I want because no one, NO ONE is going to just give it to me.

But what if I’m tired of fighting for something that seems to be drifting further and further away? And what if I’m tired of crying it out?

What if there is nothing I can do about anything?

I’m tired, tired of trying since nothing I’ve tried works.

The least complicated thing of this whole situation is that I’m simply, just simply….exhausted of it all.

The beast

July 17, 2011

A lonely beast treks through the woods,
Causing havoc wherever it stood.
The animals hide in fright,
Afraid that the beast will strike.

At night its eyes; bright and red
It almost seems there are horns on its head.
As ugly as this beast may seem,
All it wants is to redeem.

To redeem its long awaited path,
When will this beast be good enough?

This beast is often misunderstood,
For it is often influenced by its mood.

Creating fear
Causing tears

If only this beast can ever be tamed.

Get it right

July 17, 2011

A song from Glee which accurately describes how I feel right now, in every single word. *sigh* Life sucks some times.

What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do
when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
My best intentions keep
making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
How many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken
I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do
when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
My best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
But how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
that sometimes life isn’t fair
I sent out wish, I sent up a prayer
Then finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you
touch tumbles down
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
How many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right

Greetings

July 16, 2011

Hello blog,

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you for a long time. With work and everything, I really don’t have a lot of time to pen down my thoughts. Perhaps that explains why I’ve been feeling a lot of things, most of which are just unexplainable.

I think I’ll start blogging again. I need an outlet to express the many emotions that are going through my mind these days. To sum up, I just feel lost. It’s quite a helpless feeling and I don’t it at all.

I have my good days, and I have my bad days. Maybe blogging again will help me put things into perspective. Maybe it’ll show me the right path to take once I put everything in writing.

I will post soon, I promise.

Signed,
Me

Sadness

February 27, 2011

After three blissful months, Rob has left Kuching.

Something tells me I would probably start blogging again. I need to get my writing mojo back.

Will write soon dear readers (the 2-3 of you who keep coming back).

XXXOOO

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