This year
December 31, 2009
The year is coming to an end and I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on the things that have happened this year; good and bad.
This year I felt betrayal
This year I felt devastation
This year I felt desperation
This year I felt depression
This year I found new friendships
This year I drifted from some
This year I rekindled an old friendship
This year I graduated with a Master Degree
This year I started working full-time
This year I got my first front-page article
This year I am able to help financially at home
This year I found myself lost (oxymoron I know)
This year I found my way back
This year I learned again that ignorance is bliss
This year I felt what true determination was
This year I realised I’m not a quitter after all
This year I am more in love than I have ever been
This year…
I’ve changed…
Songs
October 1, 2009
*Wrote this quite a while ago and forgot to publish*
In times of hardships and frustrations, I’ve begun to really appreciate the wonders of music in helping me get through it.
I have spent many hours sitting in my room, analysing every single detail of every single speck of my life when things go wrong. I usually have the radio on and once in a while, lyrics from a song would catch my attention and give me some form of clarity.
One of my favourite is “Walking Away” by Craig David. I’ve always liked songs by Craig David. It’s quite an old song, I know, but the lyrics just caught my attention right away a few months ago when I heard it on the radio again after so long.
Part of the song goes like this:
Sometimes some people get me wrong
When its something I’ve said or done
Sometimes you feel there is no fun
Thats why you turn and run
But now I truly realise
Some people dont wanna compromise
Well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
And well I don’t wanna live my life too many sleepless nights
I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away
I found the music video on Youtube so take a listen if you’re interested.
Anyway, other songs that I find inspirational (for the lack of other terms) include:
- If today was your last day – Nickleback (my currrent most favourite)
- Let it be – The Beatles
- The show – Lenka
- I don’t want to be – Gavin DeGraw
- More than anyone – Gavin DeGraw
- Chariot – Gavin DeGraw
- More to life – Stacie Orrico
- Dare you to move – Switchfoot
- The climb – Miley Cyrus (yes, Hannah Montana. Lame, I know)
Pinking (TM) myself
September 21, 2009
Very long post but I hope it’s as entertaining to read as I enjoyed writing it.
Yesterday I made agar agar (gelatinous type dessert). While I was scooping the boiling hot substance into their individual cups/moulds, I poured too hard down one of the cups/moulds and it splattered on my stomach, right below the bellybutton which was totally exposed. The top I was wearing was hanging ABOVE the bellybutton and my shorts sat an inch or so below the bellybutton. I swear it’s almost like I had set it up for myself.
Yes, it hurt like hell and certainly did not tickle. As I looked down and flapped my hands close to my stomach, thinking the breeze would help (don’t ask me why, it was warm in the kitchen anyway) cool off the area, I noticed a layer of transparent agar agar on my skin. So what did I do? I used my thumb and rubbed it off.
Only I was wrong, very fucking wrong. (Excuse the French)
HOLY MOTHER WTF KNNCCB WTF WTF WTF that hurt like hell!
It wasn’t a layer of splattered agar-agar, IT WAS MY EFFING BLISTERING SKIN THAT I RUBBED OFF!
%@^@%$!!#!hADHA^!FFFFFFFFFFFF!!!$@#6666!#$#%!% 
(Now before you say or think the obvious, allow me to say a few things first, perhaps it could be what you’re thinking.
- What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!?
- I mean, okay, the liquid splattered on my bare skin but which part of my effing brain ANALysed that once the BOILING agar agar hit my skin, it would straight away harden into a layer of agar agar?!?!?!
- Why didn’t I run COLD WATER on my skin?!?!?!?!
- I am not exactly stupid (but I do have my moments and this sure as hell was one of them) but WTF was I thinking??????
Okay, I’m done saying what I needed to so back to the story.)
I was in pain, still flapping my hands. It was only then that logic kicked in and I’m suppose to cool down the area with cold water. And so I did. Once again, I realised how stupid challenged I am. Instead of using a wet wash cloth, I used my hands.
Yes dear readers, I cupped my hand, gathered water and then splashed cold water on my burning skin. Oh it gets better. I didn’t just do it once, I did it multiple times, say 3-4 times, before I realised how stupid that idea was.
Suddenly, within a blink of an eye (I am serious), my eyes diverted to a bottle of red colouring on the shelf.
“Oooo! I can make my agar agar pink!”.
Bear in mind, I was still pain from the burn and I was wet from my GREAT idea of cooling the wound down.
So what did I do? I poured the slimy goo of agar agar back into the pot and dropped some red colouring into it and voila, it became pink! Somehow the few minutes (or seconds) I was pinking (TM) the agar agar I forgot about the pain and burning feeling of my open wound.
The things I do for pink stuff. 
Only after 10 or so minutes I was burned did I go put aloe gel on it, which I applied very generously consistently over the next few hours, which I later FELT was a big mistake. 
By dinner time, I changed to go out for dinner but still remembered to put aloe gel on my burn. See, I know how to take care of myself! 
BIG EFFING MISTAKE.
Half way eating dinner, something didn’t feel right.
The aloe gel dried out and my denim skirt (big mistake to wear that, oh Shin when will you learn??) was glued to my burn.
By the time I got home I had no choice but the slowly and painfully seperate my blistering skin from my denim skirt.
The result is this…
It’s a form of pink, right? 
Before you judge me, I normally would remove any unsightly body hair before posting pictures of my skin up but can you blame me for NOT wanting to pluck out hair (which is another major OUCH!) around BURNT area!
The culprit of sorts
See the pink agar agar matches my pink nail polish!
Anyway, other pink things from the last 24 hours.
With Pinkie on the pink bed
I bought a piece of anti-slip mat for my car. The ones I have in my car now are black and old so I figured I could spruce up my car a bit. Again, it really matches my nail polish. 
My best buy is definitely this pink pair of shoes.
Now I can say I have a pair of Crocs!
The colour is called “Cotton Candy”. So cute right?
Bought it at a very good deal and didn’t burn (pun intended) a hole in my pocket.
P/S I know this is a bimbotic post but I’m usually not that bimbotic. 
Gradumacated
September 16, 2009
*I uploaded the pictures, pasted the html codes AND THEN FREAKING IE ENCOUNTERED AN ERROR AND IT SHUT DOWN!!! I had to copy paste the codes AGAIN! ^%$#@!*
As many of you already know, I graduated last month. The ceremony was LONGGGGGGG. I got to the university about 7am and the ceremony didn’t start til like 8.30 or so because we were waiting for VIPs. Speech after speech later, the ceremony ended at 12.30pm! It was a crazy hot day and I was sweating like pig underneath the pink(!) gown.
I’ve been asked how it feels to be graduated a couple times and I seriously don’t know how to answer that question. I’m at a loss for words to describe the feeling but it’s not because of happiness. I suppose the journey of reaching the finish line wasn’t what I expected it to be and so it took away from the excitement and happiness, I think? I don’t know. I haven’t quite figured it all out yet. If you follow my blog, you would have somewhat of an idea.
Anyway, I shall let the pictures complete the post.
Yours truly on the big screen
My mom took this pictures as I walked out of the hall
With the parents
Soupy my good friend and hubby came by bearing gifts!
With my favourite Soupy
Somewhere in campus
Library behind us
The picture above is dedicated to Soupy. (Hi!!!! *waves*) I’m actually holding a pink stuffed toy octopus, a gift from Soupy. She gave it to me simply because it’s PINK. 
I’ve named the pink octopus Rosie because, well it’s pink, AND the name of the person who gave it to me is Rose.
With dirty Leo
This was taken after getting dolled up for studio pictures
For now, I’m not going to post up the pictures I had taken at the studio. I personally think that they Photoshop the pictures too much to the extent that I look plastic but it’s not that bad I suppose because it was pretty cheap. Hehe
Gifts
The one person I had wished to be there is Rob, because he has helped me so much with my Postgraduate debacle but I guess we can’t always get what we want in life. Either way, I couldn’t have done it without out you baby. 
And now, I continue my job hunt!
Memoir
August 30, 2009
I have somewhat decided that I want to write a memoir. I realised that after I have finished my thesis, and even after I told Rob a few times that I had enough of writing during the last lag of my race against time to complete the thesis, I still constantly find myself thinking more and more about writing and how much I enjoy and miss it.
I’m sure you’re wondering now that if I so miss and enjoy writing why am I not updating my blog more often? Frankly, I have nothing interesting to blog about. My life now is mundane. The most exciting thing that happens to me each day is talking with Rob during the afternoons.
I am not a great writer. It takes a lot of talent to write something that everyone can understand and relate to. I have much to learn. The reason for writing this memoir is simple. Everyone has a story and I want to tell mine, since I have the time now anyway. I hope to write something that can touch lives, even if it’s just one.
A lot of this memoir will come from this blog since I have shared many experiences of my life on here. I’m not sure if I will ever finish it but then again how can anyone ever finish writing the story of their life? I have a few ideas on how to start and I just need to bounce those ideas around before I officially start.
I don’t expect to get it published or anything like that. It’s just something I want to do for myself. I can’t promise I will finish it but I keep having this intense desire to start writing one lately. I’m not too sure whether I will share it with the world (as in, in this blog) though. I suppose I need to be very confident with what I write to feel comfortable enough to publish it on the blog. We shall see.
Happy Merdeka everyone!
Graduating
August 11, 2009
*Long post. Took a couple days to write. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.*
Alas, I will be graduating on Saturday…
I found out last week and when I saw the email with the subject of “Konvokesyen 2009″ my heart stopped for a few seconds and then it started to beat faster and faster as I read through the contents of the email. I couldn’t believe it. In fact, I still sit here and wonder if this is all a dream and that at any given time I will wake up and it would have all been my mind playing tricks on me.
This is a short version of my experience…
In December 2005, I signed up for a Masters Degree while Rob was here visiting. After he left, it took me quite a while to get off my ass and started my research. It was supposed to be a 2 year ordeal program and I was scheduled to graduate by 2008. In the span of a couple years, I have re-written and edited draft after draft of my six-chapter thesis.
The process goes like this. I finish a chapter, email it to my supervisor. He then takes about a month or sometimes up to 3 months to read and then email me his feedback on what edits/corrections to be made while I worked on the subsequent chapter. Initially it was a challenge I enjoyed. I secretly enjoyed the fact that I was acquiring all this knowledge about my area of study even though sometimes it didn’t fit in my thesis.
I learned about things from Marxism to Chinese history, from theories of dialectic materialism to revisionism, read texts written from the 18th and 19th century and many more. All this would not have been possible had I not taken up this Masters Degree.
In 2008, I was denied graduation because the process was lengthy and required more time. I now assume that my supervisor thought I wasn’t ready to bring my thesis to a panel that would accept it and let me graduate. I was devastated. Nonetheless, 2008 turned into a good year when I was able to spend 5 and a half weeks with Rob.
He knew I was sad about not graduating and so he suggested I go over for summer during July-August. I knew that he wanted to get me away from being at home around graduation time (which is always in August). For that, I am thankful. The entire time I was there with him, I didn’t think much about graduation. I wholeheartedly had one of the best 5 and a half weeks of my life there.
I came back home with renewed determination, hope and faith. I was refreshed and I knew I was going to finish what I started. I worked hard because I was determined to graduate in August 2009.
Fast forward to the last couple months…
Even though I had personal issues to deal with, I still managed to keep myself focused. I was in constant contact with my thesis supervisor and he assured me over and over again that I would make it to graduation this year. I, on the other hand, was sceptical at first but after so much assurance from him, I was sure I was going to graduate this year. I would cordially say I am graduating this year when family and/or friends enquire about my studies.
Anyway, after 4 drafts on each chapter later, I submitted my final draft for evaluation in early June as instructed by my supervisor. In fact, my supervisor mentioned that he was going to push the university to publish my thesis as a book.
My jaw dropped when he brought this up to me. ME? An author of a book? Crazy, isn’t it? I was ecstatic(!) yet somehow didn’t think to announce it to the world because I’ve begun my journey down cynicism and wondered if it would ever happen. Nonetheless, Rob and I had fun with the whole author thing as he commented that if the book sold great (not that it would) I would be his sugarmama.
Meanwhile, because of bureaucracy and incompetence, my thesis was not read by any of the examiners until a week later. My supervisor literally had to jump in and personally forwarded my thesis to both internal and external examiners for evaluation.
Two weeks later, I gotten my evaluation. Both passed me BUT the external examiner me requested that I added parts here and there to make the thesis more comprehensive. The internal examiner was more critical on my referencing style and requested that I cite my sources more frequently. I understand that to a certain extent. What pissed me off was that after every paragraph he drew a line and wrote “Source?” on it. Now my gripe was (and still is), “Does he expect a source after EVERY sentence?” You know what, I don’t think I should get into that now. It would make this an even longer post.
Once again, I met up with my supervisor and showed him the evaluation I got from the examiners. He then proceeded to tell me that since there was THAT much to clean up and edit, I should consider the fact that I won’t make it to graduation this year. Apparently he didn’t expect this magnitude of a feedback. I then asked “If I get this done in a week, what are the odds of graduating?” He answered “I can’t promise anything. You can try but I can’t promise anything. Don’t kill yourself over it. Just take your time and do what you need to.” To which I just said “I don’t care if I don’t graduate anymore. I want to get this done and over with. I want to get on with my life.”
At that point I was so angry and I channelled it into more determination. I wanted to finish the damn thesis within a week, submit it for final evaluation and get it out of my life once and for all. For a week I slept an average of 4-5 hours every night and worked really hard on it. To my amazement I really did finish all the necessary edits in 6 days. I submitted what I hoped would be my FINAL copy and waited.
I had no expectations. During the 6 days I worked on it, I pretty much had the thought of not graduating implanted in my head. I dealt with it, albeit not so well, but I did. I braved myself to face the many people who had expected me to graduate this year and started hinting the news of not graduating.
To my surprise I will be graduating this coming Saturday as I mentioned earlier. The first person I told was Rob and later that day I told my parents. Aside from them, I didn’t tell anyone about it until a few days later. I was scared that someone was going to call me up and said it was all a mistake on their part, that the email was not intended for me. That goes to show just how much of an impact the journey of writing this thesis had on me.
I don’t know if I can blame entirely the university for this but it really has not been the experience I hoped it to be. From denying my right to JUST apply for a scholarship to rude staff, from incompetence and lack of research material, I pretty much backhanded the university when I did a survey conducted by the Ministry of Higher Education.
This has been a long journey, with much blood, sweat and tears. Mostly a lot of tears, to be completely honest.
I am relieved that I will be graduating but I am indifferent about it. I don’t really feel like celebrating, mainly because I am still in fear, fearing that it will all come crashing down again. It feels like a defeated victory. Mostly I am just glad for the people who are happy for me because they deserve it.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is true but how does one define “stronger” in this sense? Am I stronger now? Yes, to a certain extent. I am stronger in the sense that I am more cynical. That is the strength that I have acquired from taking on this degree. Even though I am looking at the graduation gown hanging on my door, I am still questioning whether this is really happening? I still have my doubts and I am questioning my faith in some things.
Perhaps ten years from now I will look back and smile and think about what a great challenge this was and how it affected my life.
For now, I am done with school. I want to get on with my life.
Protected: Stand up (Part 1)
May 30, 2009
Have you ever…?
March 17, 2009
Have you ever reach a point of desperation that you see no way out?
Have you ever felt so helpless that it feels like nothing you do will make it better?
Have you ever been in a situation that feels like everything and/or everyone is against you?
Have you ever felt anger that is so intense that you can’t stop crying?
Have you ever been so disappointed that you wish you could disappear?
Have you ever been so frustrated that you grip your hand into a fist so tight your fingernails dig into your skin, leaving marks?
Have you ever felt so betrayed that you question your self worth?
Have you ever been so sick and tired of everything and/or everyone around you that you wish you could pack your bags and leave?
Have you ever felt that regardless what you do nothing ever changes?
My 20 hours of f(l)ame
February 14, 2009
Some time ago, I was flamed in a forum. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because the fact that I own a blog? I don’t know.
Some bitter fool posted my picture (a very unflattering one at that) from my blog and copy pasted my profile section and called the thread “Shin chan”, thinking it was so funny or smart or witty…you get my drift. This person initiated this thread and waited for other people to start commenting.
How did I know this? My Statcounter showed massive high hits for that day and I checked. The hits mostly came from the forum, from that specific thread. As I read through the comments, I couldn’t help but chuckle. That was my initial reaction. I thought it was hilarious because here I am, a nobody in the so-called blogging world, was getting called names and insulted. In fact, some didn’t make sense at all. Let me give you some examples:
-unpossible! “A CLueLeSs PeRSoN’s LaiR” 3 words out of 4 say “NO!!!!”
-what shit is this? fat gal blog u also visit.
-owh shit
-lamely
-owhhh – 9000 for good looks.
-i shuddered, and cried.
Anyway a report was made and the thread was deleted in 5-10 minutes. Kudos to the moderators at Lowyat.net forums for their promptness in responding to the issue. The whole thing started at like 4pm and was taken down by noon the next day.
So why am I only blogging about it now? Well, aside from the free time I have lately, I don’t have much reasons. And since it’s Valentine’s day and all, I figured I would “share the love”. I’m not trying to point out that I was victimized or anything (although I was :P), I just don’t understand it.
I am sarcastic. I embrace it. I tell many MANY people I am sarcastic. Yes I am fat, I am pleasantly plump, I am overweight, bla bla bla…so what? I already know all that. I’m so ugly I made you shuddered and cried? That’s pretty talented if you ask me. I could be rich and have a show in Vegas by now.
It is mean to insult people but it doesn’t bother me that much. What bothers me is the reason behind it.
ANYWAY…
It got me thinking why would people do such a thing. Okay, if you dislike me so much, drop me an email, leave me a message on Meebo. Tell me what’s your beef or the easiest thing to do is NOT read my blog. Why be such a coward and “anonymous” and throw insults at me. I’m not even some popular blogger. I dislike some people in the blogging world but I don’t go around flaming them in forums or my blog. I don’t talk publicly about them in my blog. In fact, I don’t talk bad about people I personally don’t know in real life in my blog.
I may not be some “famous” blogger with a hate-site but in a way I can understand how it feels to be treated that way. In fact, what I went through was almost nothing compared to what they face in a daily basis. I will admit I do read those blogs sometimes and discuss it with my friends. That’s just about the extent of it.
I’m not saying that it’s wrong for people to point out the wrong doings of others. Believe me, I’m a firm believer of finding out the truth. However, I think there should be a line between the core truth and pure childish insensitive truth. For example, calling me fat. Yes, it is the truth. It is also childish and insensitive. The truth is I have bad eating habits. Hence I am fat. That is the core truth.
I don’t mean to preach like I’m some saint. I’ve said time and time again that I’m no angel. I’ve done bad evil things during the course of my life. I talk bad about people, I gossip about people, I lust for evil greasy food, heck I even make childish insensitive comments about people. I don’t, however, dedicate my life to making fun of other people so that I can feel good about myself. I’m not that pathetic nor am I that bitter.
I don’t mean to ramble so much but this is after all a space for me to express myself. My apologies for rambling so much but if it bothers you that much and you’re smart enough, you should’ve closed the window by now. *smirk*
P/S: I have an idea on who “flamed” me, so if you’re reading this, GET A LIFE and stay outta mine. Thanks.
My foundation
December 17, 2008
Disclaimer: Blabbering ahead
Lately I’ve felt as if humans have lost their sense of goodness. With all the bad things happening, sometimes it’s quite depressing to see and worse, feel, especially when you’re in that situation itself.
I have to sadly say that I have lost faith on many people. It really is a sad thing to admit but at the same time it’s something I can not ignore. Maybe I’m becoming more of a cynic every day. People who know me personally know that I’m a pretty straightforward person. But I don’t always say what I think.
At times it’s hard to decide what to say to some people. It’s like what they’re doing is wrong and I would love to do nothing more than to give them a piece of my mind. More often than not, I don’t. I keep it to myself. Why? Because another part of me is thinking it’s none of my business. It’s not my place to be judgemental. But then again, if I don’t say anything these people will keep repeating what they’re doing wrong, and thereby hurting people around them.
It’s not like I always have to be right or that I’m being self-righteous. It’s about the principle. I play by the rules so to speak, while others get away with their wrong doings because nobody bothers to say something or because they too, are like that. In the end, guess who looks like the “evil” one? 
This is where there is a clash inside my head. I know, it sounds really bad, like I’m schizophrenic or something. It’s basically like there are two personalities in me, clashing with each other, fighting their way into my mind, thereby controlling my actions and whatnot. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut and be polite and civil, even to people I truly dislike. Many times I resent myself for that. I resent not standing up, not just for myself, but the general principle of goodness. Many times I wish to give up on these people. Many times I shrug it off like it’s no big deal but deep down, it bothers me.
Just because I bite my tongue or don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. My gut feeling is rarely wrong and that’s why I always trust my gut feeling, my instinct. Plus, people like to talk and many times something slips outta their mouths. So if you think you’re so smart and I can’t figure it out, think again.
I’m not saying I’m an angel and never talk about people, we all do and I’m no exception. However, I don’t go around spreading half-truths or half-lies (however you want to see it) to make myself look good. That is very unethical and cowardly.
You’re probably thinking why not just cut ties with these people. My response to that is, I still hope. I am nostalgic of what was once a real (at least for me) friendship. At the end of the day though, I always hold on to that glimmer of hope that some day these people will be better. I don’t expect them to change, at least not for me. I just hope that they will stop destroying the relationships around them, particularly relations with me.
I’m not saying I’m oh-so-great with deeply rooted values or anything like that. I’m nowhere near perfect. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and in most cases I’ve made my peace. It’s just depressing how some people are. It’s times like this that I’m not very sure what to do or say. Again, two personalities are clashing in my mind. Which one do I listen to? My foundation feels pretty shakey right now.
I do know that I can’t change who I truly am inside, in terms of personality and whatnot, and I refuse to change my principles to cater to others especially when they are not worth it. I end this post with something Rob wrote a couple years ago for our Digital Soulmates blog. It basically discusses a lot of thing that I’ve been feeling.
“Everything from the simplest friendship, to a life long marriage, needs a solid foundation to work. It’s like building a house, you just can’t do it without a good foundation to build on. In a relationship, any relationship, from friendship on up to life long love, you need the fundamental elements.
I’m not talking about superficial things. The fundamental elements of a relationship is not “wow, she’s cute” or “he looks hot in those jeans”. The foundation begins with you. Ok, so you think someone is attractive, great, how much do you know about them? How much do you know about yourself? Are you the kind of person that you can believe in? Do you have solid fundamental values & ethics that guide you in life? Are those values & ethics morally correct? Does it make sense to have those values, does common sense back your ethics up?
Some people don’t have deeply rooted values ðics. Some people don’t have core beliefs. Some people live a reactionary lifestyle, adopting and forsaking values & beliefs when it’s convenient to them, or helps them fit in with who they are with at the time. Too many people don’t know who they are inside. How can you share your life honestly, if you don’t know what you believe in? We all have different friends, with different interests and so on. If someone tells one friend that they believe in something, and then tells a different friend something completely to the opposite… then neither is true, and that person has lied to both friends.
Trying to gain the acceptance of others by faking to be someone you are not, is not honest. It’s not honest to you or them. Trying to be popular by claiming certain values or beliefs that you don’t truly believe in, is fake, and when those beliefs are tested, your weak foundation crumbles. Honesty, or at least simple truth, is a major part of the foundation of relationships. Without the foundation of honesty, there is nothing on which to build the trust.”