Archive for October 12th, 2006

Random thought

October 12, 2006

I just suddenly got this urge to write something but I am not sure what to write about exactly. It’s a weird feeling that I get some times, usually once every few months.

Listening to the radio, I let my mind wander. I’m suppose to be working on my school work but I have been distracted ever since I started.

To be honest, I think I know why I’m distracted. I have been feeling “guilty” for a while. I am guilty for not praying to God. I’m not the most religious person and I’m not a church-goer but I do believe in God. I prayed for a soulmate for the longest time and God answered that prayer. Ever since then, I have been praying almost everynight, thanking Him for answering my prayers. That was then.

I have not been praying for a couple months. Somehow I have strayed. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t believe in God. It’s just that I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not praying. I feel guilty for the snotty things I said to God in a rage of fury one night not too long ago.

I said to God: “You don’t listen to me. You don’t care. Why didn’t you help me? What’s the point of me praying to you if you don’t answer? I don’t think you exist”

After that, I stopped praying. I had the attitude of “I don’t need you”. For the past couple months, I didn’t have my “alone time” with God before falling asleep. Slowly, I wanted to start praying and apologize to God. I tried to but I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because the guilt kept me, well…feeling guilty. I tried praying again, but I stopped myself before I even start because in the back of my head I think to myself “Why would God still want to listen to me after all that I said, after all that I thought of Him?”

I can’t just go “Hey God, I’m sorry for what I said. This is what I need you to do for me etc”. You get the drift, right? At first I thought this was just a phase for me and that eventually this guilt feeling will disappear and I will once again start praying and thanking God for all the things He has given me.

It’s not that I think God won’t forgive. I’m sure He will. It’s not that I think God will hold a grudge on me. I’m sure He won’t. At the same time, I can’t just expect to be forgiven. I can’t just expect to be accepted for my flaws. I don’t have that big of an ego. This is more of a personal “crisis” of guilt in my head, if not, my heart.

So what can a girl do? Not much, I suppose. I guess the only thing that can be done is to forgive myself. It’s easier said than done though. I am my worst enemy.

Well I should get some sleep, I have plans tomorrow as well as a tea meet with my professor. Goodnight~

© 2014 - A CLueLeSs PeRSoN’s LaiR