World Cup 2006 Rules for Men

June 15, 2006

So it’s the World Cup season again. I don’t hate football/soccer (depending which continent you live in) or anything like that. But I get a little annoyed when my favorite TV shows get canceled because there is a live broadcast of some game between some two countries. I don’t jolly well enjoy watching men running after a black and white ball (or some other color combo). The only thing that caught my attention was when I was flipping through channels the other day I caught a glimpse of Prince William watching a football match between England and *country’s name*. By now you very well get the impression that I don’t care much for football.

Anyway, I saw an article on The Sun UK regarding the rules for women during this World Cup Season.

LIST OF RULES FOR WOMEN

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the The Sun’s sport pages so you are aware of what’s going on regarding the World Cup and will be able to join in conversations. If you fail to do this, you’ll be looked at in a bad way or be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup the television is mine at all times – without any exceptions.

3. I don’t mind if you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game – as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand naked in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute – unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor….it won’t happen.

5.It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on.
And please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game” or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break-up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the adverts are on, and only if the score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” The reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your co-operation.
Regards,
Men of the World

Okay, now that the men have their rules set out, I think it would only be fair (as a woman), that women have THEIR rules during this World Cup Season (which also can be applied to normal daily life). Since I couldn’t find any rules for men on the web (and to be honest I didn’t search too hard. I’m sure there are people out there who have already made a list of rules for their male counterparts.), I decided to make some JUST FOR FUN. NOTE: JUST FOR FUN. DON’T GET ALL OFFENDED ON ME OR ANYTHING.

LIST OF RULES FOR MEN

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, business will be as usual for me. I couldn’t care less about reading the Sports section. I never have, why should I even start now?

2. If I/WE bought the TV, there is no way in hell for one month the TV belongs to YOU. If you wanna hog the TV for World Cup for a whole freaking month, BUY YOUR OWN DAMN TV WITH YOUR OWN DAMN MONEY and find a suitable place for it (so that you won’t trip over it when you do your victory/lost dance). =)

3. I wouldn’t care much if your football game is at 3 am. Time difference is a wonderful thing when the World Cup is held in another continent. You can watch all the football you want between 12am-9am. So since you have the advantage of the time difference, I expect to be able to watch MY shows during prime time, replay or not.

4. I will pass by the TV to get whatever I want. I certainly will not crawl on the floor to do so. However, as a woman I understand the importance for you, as a man, to watch 22 sweaty men in shorts scurrying around over a ball and so I will hurry when I pass by the TV for whatever reason.

5. You may be blind/deaf/mute during a game so I will not bother to try to alert you when the house is on fire or if there is an earthquake.

6. Pardon me if I want to “help” make you feel better when your team loses. The possiblity of them winning next time is there. Do you know how to spell O-P-T-I-M-I-S-T-I-C? It’s a wondeful thing, you know?

7. Even if your team loses, it’s not the end of the world. The sky will not turn black and mankind will not cease to exist. In the end, it’s just a B-A-L-L. And you call us DRAMATIC.

8. I do not mind sitting with you to watch a football game but bear in mind my attention span for it will last 30 minutes at the max. So don’t perasan (be all that and think) I will want to watch the game with you many many times.

9. Replays are important, so are re-runs. So don’t bitch at us when we watch re-runs of TV shows.

10. Friends can come around. Your friends can come to watch football, my friends can come to talk. I don’t ask you to get my friends food and drinks, so don’t expect me to “serve” your friends. If you want to have someone serve you for that month because you are just too lazy to lift up your ass, get a maid. At the end of the day:
a) I don’t care about football,
b) I don’t care about football, and
c) I don’t care about football.

11. I’d be more than happy to let you go over to your friends’ place to watch football because that means more TV for me. =)

12. There are more important things in this world other than football. I get that it’s a once in 4 years thing but that’s not a valid excuse. People die everyday, either by starvation or illness or natural disasters. I have the right to talk about other things BESIDES football, i.e volcanoes erupting, hurricanes, floods, fires, tsunamis, earthquakes etc.

13. No matter what you say/think, football is not your life. Which is worse? Life without football or life without your balls? Don’t mess with women.

When in doubt, refer to Rule #13.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Regards,

Women of the World.

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