November 8, 2008

Today started out like any other day. I woke up in haze and stumbled to the bathroom to wash up. As I wake up slowly from the cold water in my face, I realised something. Today, twenty six years ago I was brought into this world. I checked my phone and found several unread messages, from friends and family wishing me well. I thank you all.

This past year has been such a test for me. Going through a rollercoaster of emotions, I’ve learned a few things.

I have said this time and time again but I have no idea why I keep repeating my mistakes. I don’t know why I put myself in such a vulnerable position for disappointment and sometimes hurt. I learned (once again) that some people really aren’t worth my time or effort. I learned that even though I try not to judge people, they so easily judge me anyway. I learned that being nice doesn’t always pay and in my case, it hasn’t paid in a while.

I learned that even though my mouth may say the meanest things to and about some people, I know deep in my heart I do not mean it. At times I resent myself because I get so pissed off that I can not be mean or nasty to the people who mistreat me. I’m not saying I’m an angel and I’m oh-so-nice. It’s kinda like wanting so bad to run that dumb motorcyclist over because he/she is doing 20km/h in the middle of the road but knowing damn well I wouldn’t do it.

I learned failure the hard way. Not graduating this year was one of the hardest things I had to endure. Not only did it affect my confidence, it affected me emotionally and spiritually as a whole. At the same time I learned how to get up on my own. I learned that I can be strong after all. I learned that I am not a quitter.

On a lighter side, I learned that chicken, when steamed, tastes so much better when there are some ginger. It tastes even better with ginger AND garlic.

I learned that no matter what, my love for Rob will never change. I learned that our love grows stronger with each bump we face in our relationship journey. I realized just how much stronger our love is after my return from Chicago. I realized that it doesn’t matter where we “end up” one day because what matters most is that we’re together. I learned that love conquers all, as cliche as it sounds, it is true, at least for me.

I learned that I have already started my journey down cynicism. I am no longer that interested in celebrating my birthday, not because I fear getting old or anything like that. It’s because if you think about it, it’s really not at all that important. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the wishes and dinners. It’s nice to know that I am in the minds of people. What I’m trying to say is, I no longer take my birthday as a special day that needs celebrating. I don’t feel the need to have all my “friends” remember my birthday. I don’t feel the need to make a list of who remembered or who forgotten. In other parts of the world, it’s just an ordinary day and for those who are unfortunate, it’s a day of death.

I am thankful, however, to be able to say that today I lived for 26 years. As I am about to continue my journey to the second quarter century of my life, I have learnt many things with regards to this life.

Today, I turn 26. Today, after all that I learned this year, I am still looking for my purpose.

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