Goodbye 2008!

December 31, 2008

I woke up today, realising what date it was. Don’t get me wrong, I know its December 31st but it suddenly hit me that today is the LAST day of 2008.

Throughout the day, even when I was at church (attending a friend’s wedding), I wondered what I should be writing about and came up with nothing other than the whole too-cheesy-corny new year’s resolution list. Looking back at my resolutions for this year, I think I’ve only accomplished a few.

2008’s Resolution

1) Graduate in August, which means finishing the thesis – FAILED miserably unfortunately

2) Be a better lover (and I don’t mean sexually you perverts) – Ermmm…I don’t think I can answer that one for myself.

3) Lose weight YEAH RIGHT – who am I kidding? – Lost a little, gain back a ton while bingeing like a freak in the States and lost a little from being sick so much.

4) Be more patient but not stupidly patient – Think I’ve been more patient than I expected I can be.

5) Stand up for myself more – SUCCESS! My greatest accomplishment is of course (figuratively speaking) bitchslapping a “friend” for being a narcissistic prick early this year.

6) Maintain a good relationship with the parents – Think I’ve been able to do that (minus the stupid little arguments but still I think I did good) so SUCCESSS!

7) Erase selfish inconsiderate people from my life – SUCCESS! Life is so much peaceful now.

8) Watch less nonsense tv, read more – 50/50. FAILED. We all know I can never stop watching Spongebob Square Pants. SUCCESS because I honestly have been reading more than I used to. Now, whether I’ve read more than I watched nonsense TV, that’s another issue that I shall refrain from discussing because you all know the answer. HEH

9) Own new gadgets – better digital camera and mp3 player – FAILED because I couldn’t make up my mind and wanted to save more money. Now my camera is going a little cuckoo on me.

10) Appreciate the simple things in life more – SUCCESS. And yes honey, I appreciate my stationary stash as well as the box of color pencils you bought me.

All in all, I guess I can say 2008 has been a year of challenges for me and in its own right has made me a stronger person. The best moments of 2008 was definitely spending 5 weeks with Rob, and enjoying life together.

I better sign off now. Rob will be coming online soon and I have a wedding reception to attend later on.

Lastly, stay safe and have Happy New Year guys!

My foundation

December 17, 2008

Disclaimer: Blabbering ahead

Lately I’ve felt as if humans have lost their sense of goodness. With all the bad things happening, sometimes it’s quite depressing to see and worse, feel, especially when you’re in that situation itself.

I have to sadly say that I have lost faith on many people. It really is a sad thing to admit but at the same time it’s something I can not ignore. Maybe I’m becoming more of a cynic every day. People who know me personally know that I’m a pretty straightforward person. But I don’t always say what I think.

At times it’s hard to decide what to say to some people. It’s like what they’re doing is wrong and I would love to do nothing more than to give them a piece of my mind. More often than not, I don’t. I keep it to myself. Why? Because another part of me is thinking it’s none of my business. It’s not my place to be judgemental. But then again, if I don’t say anything these people will keep repeating what they’re doing wrong, and thereby hurting people around them.

It’s not like I always have to be right or that I’m being self-righteous. It’s about the principle. I play by the rules so to speak, while others get away with their wrong doings because nobody bothers to say something or because they too, are like that. In the end, guess who looks like the “evil” one?

This is where there is a clash inside my head. I know, it sounds really bad, like I’m schizophrenic or something. It’s basically like there are two personalities in me, clashing with each other, fighting their way into my mind, thereby controlling my actions and whatnot. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut and be polite and civil, even to people I truly dislike. Many times I resent myself for that. I resent not standing up, not just for myself, but the general principle of goodness. Many times I wish to give up on these people. Many times I shrug it off like it’s no big deal but deep down, it bothers me.

Just because I bite my tongue or don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. My gut feeling is rarely wrong and that’s why I always trust my gut feeling, my instinct. Plus, people like to talk and many times something slips outta their mouths. So if you think you’re so smart and I can’t figure it out, think again.

I’m not saying I’m an angel and never talk about people, we all do and I’m no exception. However, I don’t go around spreading half-truths or half-lies (however you want to see it) to make myself look good. That is very unethical and cowardly.

You’re probably thinking why not just cut ties with these people. My response to that is, I still hope. I am nostalgic of what was once a real (at least for me) friendship. At the end of the day though, I always hold on to that glimmer of hope that some day these people will be better. I don’t expect them to change, at least not for me. I just hope that they will stop destroying the relationships around them, particularly relations with me.

I’m not saying I’m oh-so-great with deeply rooted values or anything like that. I’m nowhere near perfect. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and in most cases I’ve made my peace. It’s just depressing how some people are. It’s times like this that I’m not very sure what to do or say. Again, two personalities are clashing in my mind. Which one do I listen to? My foundation feels pretty shakey right now.

I do know that I can’t change who I truly am inside, in terms of personality and whatnot, and I refuse to change my principles to cater to others especially when they are not worth it. I end this post with something Rob wrote a couple years ago for our Digital Soulmates blog. It basically discusses a lot of thing that I’ve been feeling.

“Everything from the simplest friendship, to a life long marriage, needs a solid foundation to work. It’s like building a house, you just can’t do it without a good foundation to build on. In a relationship, any relationship, from friendship on up to life long love, you need the fundamental elements.

I’m not talking about superficial things. The fundamental elements of a relationship is not “wow, she’s cute” or “he looks hot in those jeans”. The foundation begins with you. Ok, so you think someone is attractive, great, how much do you know about them? How much do you know about yourself? Are you the kind of person that you can believe in? Do you have solid fundamental values & ethics that guide you in life? Are those values & ethics morally correct? Does it make sense to have those values, does common sense back your ethics up?

Some people don’t have deeply rooted values &ethics. Some people don’t have core beliefs. Some people live a reactionary lifestyle, adopting and forsaking values & beliefs when it’s convenient to them, or helps them fit in with who they are with at the time. Too many people don’t know who they are inside. How can you share your life honestly, if you don’t know what you believe in? We all have different friends, with different interests and so on. If someone tells one friend that they believe in something, and then tells a different friend something completely to the opposite… then neither is true, and that person has lied to both friends.

Trying to gain the acceptance of others by faking to be someone you are not, is not honest. It’s not honest to you or them. Trying to be popular by claiming certain values or beliefs that you don’t truly believe in, is fake, and when those beliefs are tested, your weak foundation crumbles. Honesty, or at least simple truth, is a major part of the foundation of relationships. Without the foundation of honesty, there is nothing on which to build the trust.”

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