Judgement day

Sunday, August 7, 2011

When I die and I’m at the mercy of God as to where He should send me – Heaven or Hell – I hope He knows that…

Regardless of all the nasty things I say, 99% of the time I do not mean it.
The remaining 1%, as bad as it sounds, I do mean it with all my heart.

Regardless of how impatient I am at times, there are just as many times when I’ve been patient than I ever thought I could.

Regardless of how high my expectations may be, all I want is simple.
I just want to love and be loved.

Regardless of how strong and stubborn I may seem, deep down I’m just a girl.
A girl who just wants to be good enough.

Regardless of how judgemental I am of others, I am my own worst enemy.
I put myself down more than I ever have on other people.

Regardless of how cheerful or happy I seem, inside I’m hurting.
Sometimes the pain is so unbearable, I rather find other pain that I can tolerate.

I don’t know whether I deserve to go to heaven or doomed to go to hell.

I just know that right now, I feel like I’m in hell.

Mental suicide

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I just returned from a work trip on Sunday and I’m still feeling tired.

I think the fatigue is mainly due to emotional drain, today especially.

On top of what has been going on, work today really stressed me out.

I suddenly felt overwhelmed with my workload and the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. The emotions going through me were so intense that I felt sick to my stomach and my back was throbbing.

Even right now my back is still sore and stomach uncomfortable. Could it be something I ate? Maybe it was. I’ll never know.

All I know is I managed to figure out that I cared too much about my work and I take things personally.

Why should I care about something if it’s not worth worrying over?
Why should I try so hard to help someone if they don’t want to even help themselves?

Now I just need to figure out how NOT to care so much.

So while I figure this all out in my head, let’s just say I’m in a state of “mental suicide”.


Monday, July 18, 2011

It’s very rare that a song will make me shed tears.

This one in particular hit the tear duds nerve going into the first minute of the song.


This song really reminds me of someone;


That someone is…






I think I am just feeling sorry for myself. Head will explode soon from all the things going through my mind. And the weather is not helping either.

I digress…

Basically there is a crisis going on in my head.

So what’s a girl to do?

The damsel-in-distress in me is telling me to curl up in a fetal position and cry it out and maybe, JUST maybe things will get better.

The strong-headed-tough-bitch in me is telling me to buck up and face reality. Nothing is going to be solved by doing nothing. I have to fight for what I want because no one, NO ONE is going to just give it to me.

But what if I’m tired of fighting for something that seems to be drifting further and further away? And what if I’m tired of crying it out?

What if there is nothing I can do about anything?

I’m tired, tired of trying since nothing I’ve tried works.

The least complicated thing of this whole situation is that I’m simply, just simply….exhausted of it all.

The beast

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A lonely beast treks through the woods,
Causing havoc wherever it stood.
The animals hide in fright,
Afraid that the beast will strike.

At night its eyes; bright and red
It almost seems there are horns on its head.
As ugly as this beast may seem,
All it wants is to redeem.

To redeem its long awaited path,
When will this beast be good enough?

This beast is often misunderstood,
For it is often influenced by its mood.

Creating fear
Causing tears

If only this beast can ever be tamed.

Get it right

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A song from Glee which accurately describes how I feel right now, in every single word. *sigh* Life sucks some times.

What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do
when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
My best intentions keep
making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
How many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken
I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do
when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
My best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
But how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
that sometimes life isn’t fair
I sent out wish, I sent up a prayer
Then finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you
touch tumbles down
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
How many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Hello blog,

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you for a long time. With work and everything, I really don’t have a lot of time to pen down my thoughts. Perhaps that explains why I’ve been feeling a lot of things, most of which are just unexplainable.

I think I’ll start blogging again. I need an outlet to express the many emotions that are going through my mind these days. To sum up, I just feel lost. It’s quite a helpless feeling and I don’t it at all.

I have my good days, and I have my bad days. Maybe blogging again will help me put things into perspective. Maybe it’ll show me the right path to take once I put everything in writing.

I will post soon, I promise.



Sunday, February 27, 2011

After three blissful months, Rob has left Kuching.

Something tells me I would probably start blogging again. I need to get my writing mojo back.

Will write soon dear readers (the 2-3 of you who keep coming back).


The million dollar question

Monday, September 20, 2010

Something short from me before my raging womanly curse flares up with a vengance again.

This is too funny not to share.

Today in class I touched on commodities and gave some examples such as “petroleum, natural gas, rice, sugar” etc.

As I summed up what I talked about in class, I asked the class if they had any questions.

One boy, with this really serious yet innocent look on his face raised his hand and asked “Miss, is natural gas….like….farts?”

The whole class erupted in laughter and I stood there in disbelief. I mean, he didn’t at all look like he was being sarcastic or a smartass. He truly seemed like he didn’t know what natural gas was. And if indeed he was being a complete smartass, he deserved an Emmy award!

At that precise moment, I was not sure whether to laugh or cry! Here was a boy in his early 20s and had no clue what natural gas is? 

Part of me wanted to be a complete smartass and say something like “Oh yes, you should fart in jars and sell em. You would make a killing!” but judging by the look on his face, I simply exclaimed “No that’s not natural gas!” to which the entire class erupted in laughter once again.

“Then what is natural gas?” he asked.

“The contents in those Petronas or Shell gas cylinders are a form natural gas,” I explained.

As soon as I finished that sentence and in my efforts to refrain from turning his question into a 15-minute comedy skit, I finished off class by saying “Okay, that’s it for today. I will see you on Wednesday.”


Friday, September 17, 2010

I’m not sure why but I have this intense urge to blog today after disapprearing for the “Blogsphere” for quite some time. (Granted my previous turd post was a copy-paste from my Facebook Notes. *hangs head in shame*)

Currently, I’m typing this at work. Oh yes, a little update on my life now.

I resigned my job as a reporter with the local daily for a job as a *drumroll please* lecturer (or instructor or teacher, however you want to see it but I’m still finding it weird calling myself a “lecturer”) in a local institution of higher learning. 

The hours are golden compared to my previous job and the pay is better. In fact, quite a lot better in my humble opinion.

I sincerely miss my job as a reporter. To be exact, I miss the writing part the most. At times, when I think back at the hours and amount of stress that came with it, I’m glad I took this current job. More often than not, I still find myself missing my co-workers who have become good friends even though I’ve known them for under a year.

However, I am not saying my current job is completely stress-free. It’s just a different type of stress altogether and working in an environment that lacks some comprehensive facilities can be quite challenging at times. Furthermore, the working culture here is completely different than my previous workplace. Students are ok in general although there are bound to be problematic ones in each class.

When I think about my job now, I sometimes giggle to myself in that a sarcastic goofball such as myself is doing my part to corrupt shape the minds of the leaders of tomorrow.

I have been told I’m quite the hard-ass. Allow me to illustrate.

During one of my first class, I set some rules.

“I only ask that all of you follow these simple rules. One, when I talk, you breathe. Why? Because if I’m talking and you’re talking at the same time that means you’re not listening to what I’m saying. When you don’t listen to what I say, you’re not following the lesson, therefore you miss out on some important points. So I strongly recommend that why I talk, all you do is JUST breathe. (At this point, students are all wide-eyed probably thinking “Oh shit, we’re going to die.”)

“Two, do not be late for class. Before I proceed, does anyone want to inform me of some strange disease of not being able to wake up at a time earlier than 11am?

“Three, I will email you notes prior to class (since there is a lack of teaching tools e.g projector & laptop). All I ask is you read the notes prior and bring them to class. Can you do that? (Students start nodding). If you do not have notes with you during lectures, I suggest you run back to your dorms and get them because I will most likely not let you enter the hall. Unless you want to take a risk and try it anyway? *smirk*”

Needless to say I was being a complete smartass. Whether or not the students got it is another matter. I remember seeing some giggling at the back while some looked completely terrified. Trust me, I’m not at all that mean in class. I try to make it as interesting as possible.

I am teaching (lecturing?) 3 subjects; Politics, Public Relations and Southeast Asia Affairs. Not too boring thankfully.

Okay, I think I’ve rambled enough for now. Going to pack my things and go home.


Turd for thought

Friday, August 27, 2010

So I’m sure everyone heard about Indonesian group Bendera’s demonstration at the Malaysian Embassy in Jakarta a couple days ago.

Now aside from it being such a primitive uncivilized form of demonstration on the group’s part, am I the only one who finds the humor that these people actually went to THAT extent to show insult to Malaysia?

When I first heard of the story yesterday morning, the first thing that I asked myself was “Did they all decide to poop in bags and bring it with them for the demonstration? Or did someone had an urge to do number 2 during the demonstration, hence it was just by chance they HAPPEN to have shit in hand (literally)?”

And then another thought crossed my mind. When I saw the news it wasn’t just one person flinging crap and smearing it, it was a FEW people. So the thing that crossed my mind was “Was it their own shit? Or was it somebody else’s?”

Because what a coincidence it would be that 3 Bendera people (that were also arrested) had the urge to take a dump during the demonstration.

Seriously, I wouldn’t even look at my poop after I’m done on the toilet, what more to say holding it in my BARE hands and smearing it across any surface.

And while I’m on this point, why the fark would I want to grab a wad of someone else’s shit???

This group calls themselves Benteng Demokrasi Rakyat, yet they use such primitive ways to show discontent. Democracy? Huh? More like Demo-shitty, as in a shitty demonstration (literally).

Okay, perhaps these people were very passionate about what they were fighting for and in the heat of the (fart) moment , they decided to chuck some chocolate cake around.

I guess that makes sense….NOT.

So here’s a turd..ummm food for thought.

The next time you’re not happy about something, fling some butt nuggets around.

Thank you for your attention.

-The End-

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